How I express my love, my affection, is giving. Giving of myself, my time, my skills and material possessions.
I feel like I have so much to give, that I am overflowing. Yet here is the dichotomy.When it is time to give to myself I am empty, a hollowed out husk. I cannot even conjure up, a measly amount of time to give to myself. And am left, worn out and drained.
I am so full of confidence, I can do anything, be anyone. I dress the way I want, I speak my mind out loud.I am fearless, I am brave, I am bold .Yet here is the dichotomy.I am afraid of my own thoughts, my mind trapped and anxious within its own confines.I analyze every interaction, I rehearse any new meetings. Everything I do is a careful calculation of a paranoid mind.I’m a flirt, I am social, I am beautiful.
I make myself up, I carefully select my clothes, and style.I carry myself in a manner that states that I’m worth something. Yet here is the dichotomy. Behind closed doors I hide my mirror, covering it with cloth or turning it to the wall. I shower quick and with eyes closed ashamed of my body. I become crippled by my distaste for my own self. I am trying to embrace myself and let go of myself at the same time.
So it makes sense that I feel wrapped in a constant state of opposition. I need to embrace who I want to be, who I am, and what I am capable of. While at the same time I need to let go of my anxieties, my fear, my doubt. Easier said than done.